Random Facts

Here are things that you might not know about me.

1. I wear girl pants :0
2. I am in love with cardigans.
3. I wear woman's socks. :|
4. I use girl's deodorant.
5. I tell people that I can't stand country music, but I listen to it in my car.
6. I am not a big fan of Christmas. It doesn't hold a strong meaning other than gifts.
7. I feel awkward around most males. I feel like we have nothing in common. (This probably stems from all the slack I've gotten from them.)
8. I might be putting my future on hold so I don't have to give up Cheerleading.
9. I get obsessive about songs and listen to them repeatedly until I cannot stand them anymore.
10. I pretend to hate Christmas music but I sing it in my car whenever it's on the radio.
11. I'm an extremely envious person, but I don't let people know.
12. I will always have secrets that absolutely no one will know.
13. I think that religion has hurt me more that it has helped me.
14. I don't feel like a youngster. I feel like a 30 year old man in a 20 year old's body.
15. I love Dolly Parton, Oprah Winfrey, and Sarah Palin (not for politics).
16. I don't like hot things. (beverages, showers, days, etc.)
17. I fear that high school was the best part of my life.
18. I really only regret 2 things in my life. Both were mistakes but I'm moving past those.
19. I don't feel like a regular guy. Not that I feel like a lady either lol.
20. I hold my friends opinions higher than my family's with the exception of my brother.
21. I wash my hair every other day most of the time, sometimes I wait two or three days.
22. I skank around when I know I'm not leaving the house, and will skank around until I do.
23. I absolutely hate driving.
24. When I'm driving at night, I'm afraid that I'm going to hit a baby/toddler, that will mysteriously be in the middle of the road.
25. I like the smell of skunks, but only for a brief second.
26. I've named animals after people I've cared about that moved away.
27. I think about getting aids whenever I get piercings.
28. I haven't had "short" hair since about 7th grade.
29. I've had my hair almost every color, whether I originally dyed it that color or it faded to that color. With the exception of white and gray. I think that's all. :/
30. I've done some risky things that probably shouldn't be talked about openly on the internet. :)

and that's some of me.

"Can Anybody Find me Somebody to Love?"

Lately, I've been having good days, and trying to be positive. I never realized how negative I actually am. I never see anything in a positive light, and if I do it's with sarcastic optimism not genuine optimism. Maybe that's why I think my life sucks so much? or maybe it really does. However, tonight my negative side came back full force.

On my 1.5 hour drive home from LLC, I was thinking, and listening to some rather depressing music. However, I came to the realization that the way I planned my life isn't going quite as I planned. It's still not too late to get on track but I don't want to force it, as it's not that big of a deal.

What I realized is that whenever I was in high school at around 16 I figured out when I would like to have my "milestones." I ideally would like to be married by 24 or at least engaged at 24 and married by 25 or 26. I would like to have my first child at 27. Also, which this part is irrelevant, I would like to have 2 children in the same year that aren't twins. (I don't know why, I just think it would be cool.)

Anyway, I'm now 20 and I've only had one relationship. I've had a four month relationship, and I'm not sure you could even call it one as we rarely saw one another outside of school. Also, It's been a year in a half since we broke up, and I've yet to have gotten close to being a in relationship. I understand that dating or having a relationship is not the most important thing in life, but it would be nice to have someone who cares enough about to want to spend time with me and have intimacy (not sex). Someone who likes me, and wants to actually be with me.

As I was thinking, I realized that not very many people have even admitted to liking me. Also, that skanky/nasty/mean people can have relationships, but somehow I can't? I know that I'm not the most attractive, but I also know that I'm not horridly ugly. I know that my personality isn't too hard to get along with or understand. I just don't understand why I'm never picked. I mean lets face it, I'm not the biggest catch but at the same time, I have style, a sense of humor, good and clean hair, a decently cute face, intelligence, and other things. However, I'm the one that's not picked, instead it's the douchebag idiots, with ill fitting polos and bagging pants. Really? I just don't get it. It's hard not to feel bad about myself when I don't get compliments, and I know that sounds shallow but, that's how I feel.

At this point, it just feels like I'm alone in the world when I'm surrounded by people. I feel excluded and it feels like that feeling will never change.

I just want closeness with someone. That's all.

You're Not in the Stands for Me.

Okay, so I haven't posted in quite some time now. I've been thinking about things that I need to post and get off my chest, but I haven't had the time with the stresses of my life. However, I'll post what's on my mind right now.

So I've been cheering since 6th grade. Whenever I expressed an interest to become a cheerleader, it became an argument. My dad didn't want me to. I had to "fight" him on it. I wrote him a letter to explain why I wanted to do it, and why I should. After he considered he finally "allowed" me to become a cheerleader. My cheer history has not been an easy road, nor has it been easy. I've been under constant scrutiny since I became a cheerleader. As most/all of you know, I'm from a tiny town who is still caught up in it's stereotypical ignorance. Becoming a male cheerleader has cost me friendships, and has cause many people to hate me. It sucks to know that people will not accept you because you're different, or you're interested in different things. So what if I'm a male who likes/participates in cheerleading. Why should it matter to anyone? In reality, it absolutely doesn't. However, that's not the point of this post.

With the scrutiny that has come with being a cheerleader, you would think I would get a lot of support from my family. WRONG! My dad supports it financially but not physically. My mom doesn't support me in anyway, neither does my brother, nor my aunt, nor my grandma, or anyone other than my friends and former cheerleaders. My parents and grandma have come to a grand total of..........two games. My eighth grade night and senior night. My brother hasn't been to a single game to watch me cheer. None of them even care to familiarize themselves with the "cheer lingo." The point of this being on my mind is because I talked to my brother earlier and asked him if he wanted to come to my game on Saturday. He'll already be in Ramsey, but when I asked, he informed me that he'd rather be hanging out with a girl he doesn't have a chance with or hanging out with my parents. He told me he'd rather be doing either of those than wasting "what like two hours of my life at some game." I told him, that he probably wouldn't make it to any of the other games this season, because he had already told me that prior to tonight. He didn't seem so concerned.

The reason that this sucks is because I consider myself to be pretty close to my brother and consider him one of the few true friends that I have. For him to be so passive and apathetic towards something I'm passionate about, just sucks.

All in all, I don't understand how my family can be so apathetic over something I love so much. Also, at times they've all jumped on the stereotypical bandwagon of male cheerleaders. It's nice to know that I don't have support from the people that should be supporting me.

This is one of the reasons I find family to be unimportant.