"Can Anybody Find me Somebody to Love?"

Lately, I've been having good days, and trying to be positive. I never realized how negative I actually am. I never see anything in a positive light, and if I do it's with sarcastic optimism not genuine optimism. Maybe that's why I think my life sucks so much? or maybe it really does. However, tonight my negative side came back full force.

On my 1.5 hour drive home from LLC, I was thinking, and listening to some rather depressing music. However, I came to the realization that the way I planned my life isn't going quite as I planned. It's still not too late to get on track but I don't want to force it, as it's not that big of a deal.

What I realized is that whenever I was in high school at around 16 I figured out when I would like to have my "milestones." I ideally would like to be married by 24 or at least engaged at 24 and married by 25 or 26. I would like to have my first child at 27. Also, which this part is irrelevant, I would like to have 2 children in the same year that aren't twins. (I don't know why, I just think it would be cool.)

Anyway, I'm now 20 and I've only had one relationship. I've had a four month relationship, and I'm not sure you could even call it one as we rarely saw one another outside of school. Also, It's been a year in a half since we broke up, and I've yet to have gotten close to being a in relationship. I understand that dating or having a relationship is not the most important thing in life, but it would be nice to have someone who cares enough about to want to spend time with me and have intimacy (not sex). Someone who likes me, and wants to actually be with me.

As I was thinking, I realized that not very many people have even admitted to liking me. Also, that skanky/nasty/mean people can have relationships, but somehow I can't? I know that I'm not the most attractive, but I also know that I'm not horridly ugly. I know that my personality isn't too hard to get along with or understand. I just don't understand why I'm never picked. I mean lets face it, I'm not the biggest catch but at the same time, I have style, a sense of humor, good and clean hair, a decently cute face, intelligence, and other things. However, I'm the one that's not picked, instead it's the douchebag idiots, with ill fitting polos and bagging pants. Really? I just don't get it. It's hard not to feel bad about myself when I don't get compliments, and I know that sounds shallow but, that's how I feel.

At this point, it just feels like I'm alone in the world when I'm surrounded by people. I feel excluded and it feels like that feeling will never change.

I just want closeness with someone. That's all.