BigCityDreams

Okay, so I did a blog "challenge" a couple of weeks maybe months ago. I liked the idea of it so I found another one. However, this is a thirty day thing, and versus me cluttering up your space with my blog thirty days, I'm going to do all thirty in one blog post.

This is the list for the 30 day challenge.

Day 1 — Your favorite song
I don't have an all time favorite song, but I'm digging Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri right now. Also, some old Fallout Boy/Dashboard Confessional/Taking Back Sunday are always some goodies. :)

Day 2 — Your favorite movie
Same with this, I have no all time favorite movie. However, Mean Girls may be it. I'm sort of in love with it.

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Well, It would include no awkwardness. Also, it was would be with someone who fit my attractions both personality wise and look wise. Whatever, we did wouldn't matter as we would both be cool enough just hanging out with one another.

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
I don't have just one best friend. Most of my friends are close enough to me that I consider them best friends. However, here is one that I rather enjoy of both Faith and myself.


Day 5 – How important you think education is?
I believe that education is one of the single most important things that a person can seek out. Not necessarily formal education but difinitely educating yourself on the world, things around you, things you care about, and also broadening your horizons through education yourself on other people (minorities, stereotypes, and so on.)

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
A Micro Pig. Seriously, tell me these animals are the cutest! I know it's sort of mean/wrong to create things that we want by altering the DNA of creatures but since they are already there, can't I just have one?




Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
I simply cannot even describe a dream wedding, as there is not point in putting thought into it at this point and time in my life. :/ lol

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) by Lady GaGa! I simply don't have anything to say. I wanted to blog, but had no meaningful words to post.

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
A trip to Zumba! ;) It is so much fun! I love it.


Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat.
Rather than a Favorite place, I'll post my favorite food to get. Loaded Baked Potato Soup from O'Charley's. I love it, it's delicious.


Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
I have no make up bag, so nothing. lol

Day 12 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Being single right now, is annoying and frustrating, but I understand how it has it's benefits. If I were in a relationship, I could contribute nothing financially, also with the stress and busy-ness of school and cheerleading I don't even have time for a relationship. I'm content with being single most of the time but I mean, who doesn't wish they weren't in a relationship.

Day 13 – Your views on drugs and alcohol
Drugs are illegal and therefore I feel that they are bad and if there were a way to eradicate them forever, it should be done. Alcohol is as equally bad as drugs and should also be taken care of. Neither is good for people, they both ruin lives, and people. They are stupid substances that are negative for all of society. However, I don't look down upon people who drink, however, I feel uncomfortable about drug users. :/ sorry.

Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Right now I'm not addicted to anything. I do go through phases, however, I'm kind of really digging True Life right now. I always have and probably always will.

Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
My Cellular phone.

Day 16 – Your view on homosexuality.
Homosexuality? really? This shouldn't even be a question. People are born simply how they were born. There is no reason not to accept people. Homosexuality exists, that's the end. It's here, always has been, and always will be. If you are a christian and you believe the bible/god. Then, to be a true christian you must accept homosexuality and treat them as any heterosexual person, because God made them that way. :)

Day 17 – How you hope your future will be like.
Simply put...Happy.

Day 18 – 4 things that irritate ME about opposite/same sex
1. Saying that they are fat/fatties/overweight/etc. Seriously, the girls who openly say this are never fat or even chubby at the least. Also, whenever people say things like this in front of me (since I'm overweight) and they are not fat at all, it really makes me question what they think of me.
2. Not being able to take care of themselves. Most girls hold their beauty standards decently high or at least in the middle. Not saying that everyone needs to look their best everyday, they also need not look their worst everyday either. If I can keep up my appearances most of the time so can you. Not just women but men especially.
3. Basing behavior on outward appearances/stereotypes. We all judge everyone, it's fact. However, treating someone like garbage because of their stereotype/outward appearance is simply ignorant.
4. The blatant disrespect/disposal of virginity. No one remains a virgin anymore, it's ridiculous. People used to die virgin at old age sometimes, not people who die at 18 have already lost theirs. Americans/young people have little to no respect for themselves or their future mate. Also, the douchebaggery that usually men display, bragging about their sex partners/number of sex partners. Acting "macho" because you couldn't have self control doesn't prove anything, other than you don't have some virtues.

Day 19 – Your reflection in the mirror
This is obviously not my reflection anymore, but I was too lazy to look through my photos and find a more recent one. lol.



Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
The Life of Karl Brown, simply states what my blog is. There is no hidden meaning, it's quite literal. It is my life as I see it, and of things I find important.

Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
The city. I feel like I belong, and people are less judgmental there. I long to go again. :)


Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
I've already posted a letter a couple posts back. So I'll refrain from this.

Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
I also, posted a like 30 fact post so I'll skip this as well.

Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
These girls mean a lot to me. Cheerleading means the most to me. I cannot describe my love for it. No one seems to understand unless they love cheerleading as well.


Day 25 – Who are you?
To describe me right now would be hard. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and if I'm comfortable sharing who I am. However, I think you can get a decent idea for me from reading my other postings.

Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you want to go.
New York and Japan. :)




Day 27 – What kind of person attracts you?
A person, who can take care of themselves, has a sense of humor, isn't ignorant towards others, has the ability to care deeply, has their own sense of happiness, can communicate, and has things that they can enjoy.

Day 28 – In this past month, what have you learned?
I've learned mainly that I'm bitter and sad. I'm working on fixing that as previously stated in other posts. However, I'm going to work on it. I've also learned that I love Mean Girls and I hope that I'm making the right decisions in my life that affect my future. Before I was more passive about my life but I'm trying to be present for it.

Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Blogging? Cheerleading?

Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.
not me today, but recent enough to where I still look like this :p

1. I got a new T.V.
2. I finished another semester of College! :D
3. I'm on break from school for like two more weeks! :) That's pretty awesome I must say.

Enjoy this oh so long post! :)

Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart.

So, today I had my Christmas. In attendance was, Eric (Brother), Ori (Nephew), Aunt Hope, Roger (Hope's Husband), Pa Jim, Granny Dot, LeeAnn and Marie (Cousins), and Mom and Dad. Usually, these types of things are annoying, and often Frustrating. However, for some reason today was different. I got along with everyone and wasn't annoyed or angry with anyone really. It was actually enjoyable which says a lot. Eric and I are staying at my grandparent's house, and we had a really nice long, respectable chat with my grandma which doesn't happen that often. Usually it's superficial and not deep or heart felt, but tonight was a different story. I guess it just shows that Eric and I are maturing after all.
Also, this year wasn't about any presents for me. I didn't care what I did or did not get. It was nice to get presents but to be honest I couldn't have cared less.
Tomorrow Eric and I are planning on going to Carbondale to take Ori home to his momma (him misses her). Then, turn around pretty much and go back to Ramsey assuming the roads are safe to travel.

However, It's quite late, so I'm off to bed. I hope that you all have a great holiday and have as good a time as I did today. Be safe with traveling, and really get to know your family on a personal level rather than the roles they've assumed. They are individuals and have their own stories. Something neat to think about. Goodnight all, and Merry Christmas. :D

Here in This Diary

Dear...,
I don't understand where you get off thinking that it's okay to say the things you say to me. You make fun of me and basically call me worthless on a daily basis. Sorry, I finished high school, and have 2 years of college under my belt, and that I have plans for my life. I don't see any ground for making fun of me for going to college. As a parent you should be supportive. You do nothing but put me down and talk crap about me. The things that come out of your mouth should never be uttered to your child let alone another human. I used to listen to what you said, and dwell on it, it used to affect me, now I understand that you must have problems of your own for you to be able to act the way you do towards me. It's a good thing that I have grown up, and learned that you are ill mentally even though you fail to recognize it. Tonight alone you have said things that should hurt me and my self-esteem, but I don't care about you as a person. In my eyes, you are simply a being that has no attachment to me. I find it utterly unacceptable to call your child a faggot, ugly, fat, worthless, pathetic, and a plethora of other things

I absolutely cannot wait until I'm done with you and don't have to deal with you. You treat me like I'm garbage, and I might would understand if I was acting like a loser, but I'm not. I go to school, have a perfect G.P.A., I bought my own car, t.v., computer, cell phone, and clothes. You don't do anything to help me or yourself. You act like you're so high and mighty, but look where you are at in life. You're 45 with no job, you are a drop out (at least you did manage to get a G.E.D.) you have no friends, and you're a completely unlikable person. Keep on making fun of me if that's what helps you sleep at night, but realize that you will not be claimed as blood to me, because I don't need your toxicity in my life. You are a toxic parasite that needs to realize that they are in the wrong.


End Rant.

Karl.

Baby, It's Cold Outside.

As it begins to get colder and snowier and such, it brings to my attention that the year will be over in a mere three weeks. With the New Year, comes a sense of refreshment. Throwing out the old, and betting oneself. I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions however, for this next year, I'm going to make a list of goals rather than resolutions. In a sense these are the same but, goals sound more effort and serious.

I'm sure this list will change and be added to. However, here is my tentative list of goals for 2011.

1. Be Genuinely Happy.
2. Be More Comfortable with myself (not judge so harshly, be happy with my body, and the likes.)
3. Move Out!!! :) :)
4. Decide on a Major.
5. Be more honest with my friends and family.
6. Not be such a judgmental facetious person.
7. Let people go from my life that are leeches, or one sided friendships.
8. Get my Septum Pierced. ^.^
9. Blog more often (hopefully at least once a week, I know you all cannot wait! :P)
10. Be more creative (writing, musically expand horizons)
11. Start Sewing again.
12. Crochet something nifty!
13. shop strictly at 2nd hand stores (for everything except underwear and socks)
14. Eat Better.
15. Commit to Zumba :D
16. Go to The Fox at least once.
17. Do something with signing (whether making videos, or finding a place to sign for)
18. Drink More Water! :|
19. Maybe ween myself off of facebook/technology. Not let it run my life.
20. Make Someone's life better/volunteer/do something for someone else.
21. Not procrastinate so much!

In 2011, I'm hopeful for more things. I feel that making them a goal is me trying too hard.
1. Finding out who I really am.
2. Finding new friends. (like more, not different)
3. Losing some weight.
4. Finding a lady friend :p
5. Living with little regret.

FINALE (B)

Ahh, with only a matter of days left in the Semester, my attitude is starting to perk up. After Thursday, I'll have a glorious like three weeks of doing nothing! I'm looking forward to the new year even though it is a little ways away, but still a boy can dream. Next year will hold in store a lot of new things. I'm very excited for at least one of them.

I will be moving out of my parent's house in roughly eight months! I have been waiting for this day for years, but for reason of finance I've been stuck. However, I'm to the point where I don't care if I go in debt. I need to get away from my mother! Depending on my future plans I'll either be 1.5 or 2 hours away from her. Which is good enough for now.

As this semester comes to an end, I'm hopeful. Hopeful for several reasons. I'm taking some education classes and if I like them, then I've found my major, if not I'm back to having nothing. Next semester, will be a lot of work, I'm upping my course load to 18 hours instead of my usual 15-16. I know I can do it, it's just a matter of not procrastinating.

One thing I've learned from this semester (not necessarily from school) is that I need to stop being so negative, self-loathing, and just bitter. It's getting me no where, so That's one thing I'll be working on. I've been trying to, but with final exams almost here, everything I've known is being thrown out of my mind in order to have room for the cramming that will ensue oh so shortly.

That is all, nothing really intelligent in this but rather just babbling. Enjoy :p

Random Facts

Here are things that you might not know about me.

1. I wear girl pants :0
2. I am in love with cardigans.
3. I wear woman's socks. :|
4. I use girl's deodorant.
5. I tell people that I can't stand country music, but I listen to it in my car.
6. I am not a big fan of Christmas. It doesn't hold a strong meaning other than gifts.
7. I feel awkward around most males. I feel like we have nothing in common. (This probably stems from all the slack I've gotten from them.)
8. I might be putting my future on hold so I don't have to give up Cheerleading.
9. I get obsessive about songs and listen to them repeatedly until I cannot stand them anymore.
10. I pretend to hate Christmas music but I sing it in my car whenever it's on the radio.
11. I'm an extremely envious person, but I don't let people know.
12. I will always have secrets that absolutely no one will know.
13. I think that religion has hurt me more that it has helped me.
14. I don't feel like a youngster. I feel like a 30 year old man in a 20 year old's body.
15. I love Dolly Parton, Oprah Winfrey, and Sarah Palin (not for politics).
16. I don't like hot things. (beverages, showers, days, etc.)
17. I fear that high school was the best part of my life.
18. I really only regret 2 things in my life. Both were mistakes but I'm moving past those.
19. I don't feel like a regular guy. Not that I feel like a lady either lol.
20. I hold my friends opinions higher than my family's with the exception of my brother.
21. I wash my hair every other day most of the time, sometimes I wait two or three days.
22. I skank around when I know I'm not leaving the house, and will skank around until I do.
23. I absolutely hate driving.
24. When I'm driving at night, I'm afraid that I'm going to hit a baby/toddler, that will mysteriously be in the middle of the road.
25. I like the smell of skunks, but only for a brief second.
26. I've named animals after people I've cared about that moved away.
27. I think about getting aids whenever I get piercings.
28. I haven't had "short" hair since about 7th grade.
29. I've had my hair almost every color, whether I originally dyed it that color or it faded to that color. With the exception of white and gray. I think that's all. :/
30. I've done some risky things that probably shouldn't be talked about openly on the internet. :)

and that's some of me.

"Can Anybody Find me Somebody to Love?"

Lately, I've been having good days, and trying to be positive. I never realized how negative I actually am. I never see anything in a positive light, and if I do it's with sarcastic optimism not genuine optimism. Maybe that's why I think my life sucks so much? or maybe it really does. However, tonight my negative side came back full force.

On my 1.5 hour drive home from LLC, I was thinking, and listening to some rather depressing music. However, I came to the realization that the way I planned my life isn't going quite as I planned. It's still not too late to get on track but I don't want to force it, as it's not that big of a deal.

What I realized is that whenever I was in high school at around 16 I figured out when I would like to have my "milestones." I ideally would like to be married by 24 or at least engaged at 24 and married by 25 or 26. I would like to have my first child at 27. Also, which this part is irrelevant, I would like to have 2 children in the same year that aren't twins. (I don't know why, I just think it would be cool.)

Anyway, I'm now 20 and I've only had one relationship. I've had a four month relationship, and I'm not sure you could even call it one as we rarely saw one another outside of school. Also, It's been a year in a half since we broke up, and I've yet to have gotten close to being a in relationship. I understand that dating or having a relationship is not the most important thing in life, but it would be nice to have someone who cares enough about to want to spend time with me and have intimacy (not sex). Someone who likes me, and wants to actually be with me.

As I was thinking, I realized that not very many people have even admitted to liking me. Also, that skanky/nasty/mean people can have relationships, but somehow I can't? I know that I'm not the most attractive, but I also know that I'm not horridly ugly. I know that my personality isn't too hard to get along with or understand. I just don't understand why I'm never picked. I mean lets face it, I'm not the biggest catch but at the same time, I have style, a sense of humor, good and clean hair, a decently cute face, intelligence, and other things. However, I'm the one that's not picked, instead it's the douchebag idiots, with ill fitting polos and bagging pants. Really? I just don't get it. It's hard not to feel bad about myself when I don't get compliments, and I know that sounds shallow but, that's how I feel.

At this point, it just feels like I'm alone in the world when I'm surrounded by people. I feel excluded and it feels like that feeling will never change.

I just want closeness with someone. That's all.

You're Not in the Stands for Me.

Okay, so I haven't posted in quite some time now. I've been thinking about things that I need to post and get off my chest, but I haven't had the time with the stresses of my life. However, I'll post what's on my mind right now.

So I've been cheering since 6th grade. Whenever I expressed an interest to become a cheerleader, it became an argument. My dad didn't want me to. I had to "fight" him on it. I wrote him a letter to explain why I wanted to do it, and why I should. After he considered he finally "allowed" me to become a cheerleader. My cheer history has not been an easy road, nor has it been easy. I've been under constant scrutiny since I became a cheerleader. As most/all of you know, I'm from a tiny town who is still caught up in it's stereotypical ignorance. Becoming a male cheerleader has cost me friendships, and has cause many people to hate me. It sucks to know that people will not accept you because you're different, or you're interested in different things. So what if I'm a male who likes/participates in cheerleading. Why should it matter to anyone? In reality, it absolutely doesn't. However, that's not the point of this post.

With the scrutiny that has come with being a cheerleader, you would think I would get a lot of support from my family. WRONG! My dad supports it financially but not physically. My mom doesn't support me in anyway, neither does my brother, nor my aunt, nor my grandma, or anyone other than my friends and former cheerleaders. My parents and grandma have come to a grand total of..........two games. My eighth grade night and senior night. My brother hasn't been to a single game to watch me cheer. None of them even care to familiarize themselves with the "cheer lingo." The point of this being on my mind is because I talked to my brother earlier and asked him if he wanted to come to my game on Saturday. He'll already be in Ramsey, but when I asked, he informed me that he'd rather be hanging out with a girl he doesn't have a chance with or hanging out with my parents. He told me he'd rather be doing either of those than wasting "what like two hours of my life at some game." I told him, that he probably wouldn't make it to any of the other games this season, because he had already told me that prior to tonight. He didn't seem so concerned.

The reason that this sucks is because I consider myself to be pretty close to my brother and consider him one of the few true friends that I have. For him to be so passive and apathetic towards something I'm passionate about, just sucks.

All in all, I don't understand how my family can be so apathetic over something I love so much. Also, at times they've all jumped on the stereotypical bandwagon of male cheerleaders. It's nice to know that I don't have support from the people that should be supporting me.

This is one of the reasons I find family to be unimportant.

Sorry About the Doom

Lately, I've been stressing over my life. Which kind of sucks, I mean, I'm used to stressing over it, but this time it feels like I won't get done with what I need to.

I'm being stretched thin already and it's not even quite midterm yet. It's already hard to find focus, and my grades are slipping. (When I say slipping, I mean from A's to B's). My slipping grades suck, because right now I have a 4.0 in college and I'm afraid after this semester it will not be a perfect gpa, which makes me sad and mad at myself. More so with school, it's coming time to start putting in college applications. Once again, I'm in the same predicament that I was two years ago before LLC, that being, that I need to figure out a major before I apply to colleges. I need to have a better idea of what I want out of my life, and it's just not coming easily. Dreaming right now seems simply like dreaming, like no matter what I choose, I won't be able to get work in it, and a degree won't help. Along with applying to schools, I also need to have money for the application fees, but I don't want to pay an application fee and then not go there, because it's obviously just a waste of money. As for a major, I have a minute portion of what I want to do figured out. I'm pretty sure that I was to get Sign Interpreted Certified, however there are issues with this. If I do go for sign language interpreting, it's a two year program, which is another two years of schooling and I still won't have a degree and none of the credits from the certification will transfer. So, then, I'd have 4 years of college under my belt and not very much to show for it. However, If I do sign interpreting I guess that gives me another two years to figure out my life. This is all so confusing, and then with the decision of other colleges comes the price of tuition which is ridiculously high no matter what school you go to.

Cheerleading, while I love you, you're stressing me out too. I'm starting to pysch myself up/out for games. Whenever they roll around I'm going to be one busy kid and very tired as well. It also doesn't help that I have to drive round trip 3 hours just for a game or a practice or whatever. I know I sign up for it, and I don't regret it not even one bit. It's just stressing me out. I'm looking forward to performing and showing everyone how good we are.

Car, I hate you. I hate you because I feel that you aren't reliable even though you've done nothing to prove that you aren't but still. I just feel that because you're 15 years old that you will end up breaking down and I'll be screwed. I wish I had a car payment and a job so I could barely afford to live, at least then I'd feel secure. :/

This is all for now, I'm tired and should be doing homework anyway. Thanks for reading.

Ten Speed (of God's Blood and Burial)

Day 10: One confession.

1. I do not feel like I'm an honest person. I try to be myself at all times, but I feel fake, I feel like I'm not me sometimes. I lose myself from time to time and I do not like it.

Nine in the Afternoon

Day 9: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1. :)

2. :|

Eight Days A Week

Day 8: Three turn on's.

1. Piercings.

2. Individuality (not I'm goth and super lame, but, I'm not like everyone else and I'm pretty cool.)

3. Personality.

Seven Seas

Day 7: Four turn offs.

1. Smoking.

2. Druggies/Alcoholics

3. Not keeping up with yourself.

4. Liars.

Seventy-Six Trombones

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot ( in no specific order)

1. My Brother Eric.

2. Tara Burke.

3. Andrea Morell.

4. Lady GaGa :)

5. Kristina Halford.

I Love You Five

Day 5: Six things you wish you'd never done.

1. I wish the night at the Travelodge had never happened. No details. However, I believe all involve believe it was a mistake.

2. I wish I never would have spent my time on you, obviously you weren't mature enough to deserve it.

3. I regret leaving, I regret walking away, but things just were so different, I couldn't handle it. After you left, I couldn't stay anymore.

4. I wish I would have never lost your friendship.

5. I wish I wouldn't have cut my hair my senior year.

6. I wish I would have put more thought into getting my lip pierced again. (I only say this, because it still is not healed.)

When I'm Sixty-FOUR.

Day 4: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. I think about my future a lot. I think about love, people, college, and life in general.

2. I think about friendship, who I consider a friend, who is a true friend, and so on.

3. I think about who I want to be, what kind of person I wish to reflect.

4. I think about death, my death, friend's deaths, and family death. (Not like wishing they would die, but rather my reaction.)

5. I think about what other people think of me constantly when I'm in an uncomfortable place. It's kind of like paranoia.

6. I think about getting my septum pierced a lot!

7. I think about what I project to others.

Two Lefts Don't Make a Right but Three Do

Day 3: Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Hang out with me

2. become a super close friend

3. join in on hatred talks :)

4. Be a total idiot

5. Be yourself

6. act like a 2 year old in public (in a funny way, not super annoying immature way)

7. bake me brownies and provide the butter

8. Tell me you like my hair

It Takes Two.

Day 2: Nine things about yourself.

1. I love Cheerleading. :)

2. I love Musicals. :)

3. I love Sign Language. :)

4. Sometimes I feel insignificant :(

5. I don't have the belief that you have to love someone because their family :|

6. I absolutely love being talked about and stereotyped! :D

7. I hate college so far.

8. I miss your friendship and the closeness we shared once :(

9. I'm pessimistic but fake optimism quite well.

This is the First day of my Life

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Mother. Honestly I do not like who you are, what you might stand for or anything to do with you actually. You continue to talk to me after you ask me to not talk to you for the next week. Seriously, wake up and make some sense. You expect me to be friends with you after you threatened to knock all my teeth out with a rolling pin and you were completely serious. Get Real woman. You should be trying to get along with me, if you don't now you never will. I'll be leaving soon, and if you don't connect with me now, then we will never have a "relationship."

2. Andrea. I'm so happy that we are becoming closer again. It makes me glad to know that you can be friends with someone over several years, and continue to like them. :)

3. Father. I wish you didn't work so much, and that you would actually take time to get to know me. You pretend that you know who I am, but how could you, you're at home for maybe 20 hours a week or so it seems. Money isn't the most important thing.

4. Brother. I wish you lived here or I lived there. I don't like not seeing you for months at a time. It's weird I'm not a fan.

5. Cheerleading. You make me feel needed. You make me feel appreciated and understood.

6. Facebook. You ruin my life. I would have a lot of extra time if it weren't for you and your stupid social networking. I waste my life on you, and it's dumb. However, I am on there right now.

7. Karl. Who cares who YOU are. It's your life, not theirs. Be who you are and who accepts you, actually cares about you, and whoever doesn't accept you wasn't that close to you anyway. You deserve to be happy. You are far too cool to be held back by people.

8. Anonymous. I'm glad I have someone to talk to. I'm nervous though, I don't know what to expect or if we are wasting our times. I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't know if you are it. I'm just uncertain.

9. Anonymous. I still think about you, it's like you're dead. In a sense you are dead, or rather I am. I regret you. I honestly regret you. I don't know why I wasted my time on you. I lost a part of my life due to you, and that's fine, I just wish I would have been a different chunk of life.

10. Blogger. I like you. I like to blog and get things off my chest. It helps me not be so bitter. So Thank you for being so dedicated to me and always being there.

Getting to know me, getting to know all about me.

Ten Day Challenge!

So, I stole this from someone who stole it from someone else. I think that I will try to do this.

Here's how it works:

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day 2: Nine things about yourself.

Day 3: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day 4: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 5: Six things you wish you'd never done.

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot ( in no specific order)

Day 7: Four turn offs.

Day 8: Three turn on's.

Day 9: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day 10: One confession.

Friendship & Family

Friendship.
Honestly, it feels like I shouldn’t even try anymore. I’ll be moving on in less than a year. I’ll be in a bigger place, with more people, and with everyday, we are growing further and further apart. I’m tired of trying, I’ve tried for a long time and I think it’s time to go our separate ways. You’ve got your life and I’ve got mine, I think it’s time to stop their intertwine. You’ve taken my friends, but I don’t care anymore. Take them, as they seem to not want me anymore now. It’s funny how in a short amount of time how everything changes. People grow up and mature and other reverse. It’s like you don’t care about me, and frankly if that’s how it is, then let’s be done.
At the current, I’m having a difficult time with friendship. In a way, I want to venture out and find new friends, but I don’t want to have to explain my life story to them. In one aspect, I would like to forget the friends that have not stood by me for the length of our friendship. I try to be there 100 percent for people and most don’t seem to be there for me. I just feel let down. I feel hurt.

Family.
As the days pass by, I’m starting to realize, that I don’t understand why we put so much emphasis on family. People say you can’t chose your family, that blood runs thicker than water, and so on however you put that family is important and you are stuck with them. Honestly, in my experience, I’m much happier away from my family. It doesn’t make sense that you have to “love” someone because you share a minute fraction of D.N.A. It’s like saying you have to love everyone with the same hair color as you. It makes that little sense to me. Family members are simply other people in the world that have something in common with you. That’s it. Why do we have to love them? Why can’t we stop talking to them? Why is there so much emphasis put on family? In all honesty, I don’t like my family, they don’t understand me, and they judge me way more than anyone else I know. But yet, I’m supposed to sit there and hear their opinion of me, because we share blood. They can put me down and I have to stand for it. People are simply people and family members are simply people. We should be able to decide on who we want in our lives. So what, if two people have unprotected sex and make a baby? Seriously, that should not sentence the kid to a life sentence of stupid people he must always be tied to. It’s ridiculous to think that because people have kids that this kid is “part of the family.” The only way someone can become part of a family is through understanding and accepting. We don’t let people into our chosen families when they treat us badly, lie to us, and put us down, no we simply let them go. So why should “family” be any different?

It's been a long time coming.

It's been awhile since I've updated my blog. :( I know everyone is heartbroken. However, a lot has happened in the weeks that have went by.

So far, Summer has been full of it's ups and downs, but for the most part, the ups outweigh the downs by a large margin. On the up side, I've hung out with friends, I got to visit Chicago, I made sort of a new friend. Downs, I've been lied to, hurt, and people have left my life. But with all that aside, my summer has been full of memories and nights that I'll remember for a long time to come.

I'm getting excited but also saddened by the starting of school. While I still have a couple more weeks of summer, it's still coming to fast. When school starts I'll be super busy. I'll have class on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Then I have cheerleading practice on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday. Then mixed into all of that I'll have games to cheer at. It seems so overwhelming right now. I don't know what to think about it all. I'm glad I'll be busy and that I'll get to form bonds with more people however, I will be exhausted. I'm looking forward to almost being done with Lakeland. Don't get me wrong, I'm liking it a little better than I did the last semesters but still it's not my place.

I've been looking into some schools. Not too heavily though, however, I'm really having a hard time deciding what to do. On one hand I want to get my Sign Language Interpreting Certificate and on the other hand I just don't know. If I go to school for the Certificate then that is two years out of my life and I still won't have a degree worth anything. I just don't know how people decide what they want out of life. It's hard. Also, with transferring schools I'm worried I won't be able to afford it, and I know there are loans and stuff like that but I don't want to go into debt. That would just suck. College should be free...or at least cheaper.

I'm still super excited about Cheerleading. I feel like it validates me. It gives me something to be proud about. Whether or not I'm the best, I still feel like it sometimes and that's all that matters.

Oh...so My life sort of has sucked a little lately. My cell phone (samsung impression) that I've had for almost four months broke. I turned it off one night like two weeks ago and it still hasn't turned back on. Why? It's stupid. Also, my car has broken down on me twice in the last week. I hate electronics and crappy vehicles. I'm trying to convince my dad to buy me a new car. I don't think it's working but oh well I'm still bugging him.

All in all, I'm really excited to pick out school supplies, and clothes! :) Fun Fun Fun...

I'm out yo!

Right Now.

I'm happier than I've been in a while, but at the same time I'm more let down than I have been too. As things look up, it always seems that not everything can be positive. There must be negatives lining the bottom of all good things. There is a catch to everything and a plus to it as well. Friendship is a tricky thing. You have to get close enough to know each other, to be yourself around someone. However, you cannot cross that line and develop feelings, that when things get out of hand. The excuses start to come up and nothing can be the same. It's as though, if you do develop feelings for a friend, it's not even worth it to be honest about these feelings, because chances are, they won't be honest about theirs. They may seem like they are on board, or that they have their reasons for their feelings, but chances are they will lie to protect you. They won't even realize that they hurt you when they do. It hurts to know that someone you consider your friend will not be honest with you, after you develop deeper feelings. It makes you question whether they were truly your friend or not. The biggest disguise for not furthering a relationship is "I don't want to loose you as a friend." Honestly, how does this make sense. By saying this, you've already hurt the other person, and their feelings for you have changed in that instant. It's hard to pretend that nothing has happened, or that you understand, but you can't. It doesn't make sense. Also, if you like someone be honest, why hide it, and if you don't be honest if another person expresses their feelings for you. You shouldn't tell them one thing and really feel another, feelings are sensitive things especially for inexperienced teenagers. Lies can hurt much more than just being honest. Don't lie to protect people or soften the blow. Be honest!

However, Happiness is a good thing. Being a cheerleader again makes me so happy. I feel worth while, I feel like I belong, I feel like I am me. Cheerleading is something I love, and whether you support me or not in it, I don't care. It's something I truly love and that won't change. It is more than chants, and stunts. It helps me feel good about myself. Cheerleading helps me feel better about my life and circumstance.

Feelings aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm trying to decide what I want out of my life, what I want to do with my life, where I want to go. It's so difficult to figure out who you are in a town/area that won't let you be you without criticism. It's hard to express yourself, and your opinions to closed minded people. Also, It's hard to tell people what you want to do with your life, when they don't understand or truly care. When the only thing they care about is how much money you'll make.

All in all, life is short, full of decisions, hardships, and liars. Make the most of the time we've been given and live happy or at least try.

Dear Life,

I am so happy that the drama that nearly took over my entirely life is gone with for the most part. It will however randomly pop up in my life from day to day, but the overwhelming ridiculousness that it was is indeed over. Or so I believe. In an early post, I wished for my life to calm down. Well it has and it has not.
I'm glad that it has not. Things aren't the way they were before, I don't know if this is for the good or the bad. But inevitably, things have changed and life has begun to move on. While things fade out of my life, others bloom into existence. I think it's time I start thinking for myself 100% and stop listening to my peers. I won't go anywhere in life, if I listen to everyone else. I need to focus on me, and my thoughts. I should accept opinions but I shouldn't live by them in any manner. I'm learning that life has secrets up it's sleeves, and it can change course at any moment, so you need to be flexible and prepared the best you can to cope with what may come. If you are planted to firmly, or not planted at all then you can be shaken by the littlest of things. If you have a mediocre anchor to the ground then you should be okay when things come along.
I've also learned to expect things to change. No matter how much you believe, wish, and talk about how they never will. They will indeed change. It may be minute but it may be the biggest change you've ever seen. You're perceptions of people and their actions may not always go unchanging. This is the time we need to examine the situation and determine if we still want to be there or not.
Enough with the bad, The last few weeks of my life have been some of the best. When you think you are slipping away from someone, it's amazing how something can draw you right back together. Along with good times, have come new experiences, and new friends. People I never thought I'd be friends with, now seem pretty cool. I found that out on my own. If I had just listened to my peer then I wouldn't have seen the cool side to this person. New experiences are fun and scary. As long as you have good friends by your side and a safe haven then you will be alright. Go out have fun, don't stay inside and be lame. Get some excitement.
Just as awesome as experiences are there, they are gone. All that is left is inside jokes and memories. Hold on tight, and don't wish to go back. Live and make new experiences and memories because chances are if you were to go back, you would only find that it wasn't as fun as you remembered.
All in all, think for yourself. Be you. Do something. Have fun. Think Creatively and above all don't care what others think. It's your life, not theirs and their opinions don't matter!

Karl!

GaGa

I am a pretty big Lady GaGa fan. At first I was sort of weary and brushed her off. I really did not like the first song I heard that was by her. Just Dance, it frustrated and annoyed me. It grew on me though and I began to like it. Then Poker Face came about and I was hooked from then on. Now, not a day goes by without me singing one of GaGa's songs. I am in love with her. I watch all the interviews I can of her. I DVR every show she is on. I have three of her C.D.'s and I listen to at least one a day.
I respect her music. It is so catchy and different from what is out there. She is unique, and that is awesome. So many newer artist are just clones with no variance from anyone else. They are mere copycats of their predecessors. Since she has come out as an artist, others have already started to transform to be more out of the box. Beyonce being one of them, and Ke$ha being another. GaGa brings out the creative side in those that like her music and like her. One of my favorite things about GaGa is that she does remixes, she sings, and she plays piano. She changes up her songs all the time. With every performance comes a new side of the song. Whether it is just a little change, or a big change. She is not afraid to be different. Not only, does this give us fans something new to like, but also shows us that she is actually singing! Which is a major plus. She is a good pianist, and that is also cool that she can actually play an instrument instead of just singing like so many other pop artist.
Not only does GaGa have creative music, but a very creative wardrobe. Her outfits are by far the most exciting I've seen yet. They are extravagant, flashy, unique and simply GaGa. They make a statement and are one of a kind.
Although with all being said, I respect her much more because she has a cause. She is so avid in the fight for gay rights. She's dedicated awards for the "gays" and has even spoken for them. She is truly fighting for something that she believes in and that makes me like her so much more. She actually has a point to make and is not afraid what others think or say about her or who she is. She is accepting of everyone and everything. If we could all just be a little more open-minded like GaGa, think about where we could be.
I just wanted to let you guys know about one of my obsessions and how I feel about her. I'm sleepy or I would add plenty more I'm sure. I could go for days!

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom!

Dear Life,

You have been entirely too eventful this week. Too much has happened, too much has been said, too many mistakes have been made. This has been a trying week, and it will only get better from here or so I hope. I will not lose you as a friend, I won't. Whether or not my other friends agree with that or not, or the awkwardness that has come, I'll be there (just like Michael Jackson). I'm in an awkward position, I should be happy but I'm not. I should be proud but I'm not. I have too many things on my mind to distribute the correct emotions to, so for now I feel numb. I put on my face, and I fake my way through. I think you know too much about that personally, but it won't be admitted. I do not know how to feel at the current time. How can this be? How could one night turn into a disaster? It was such a good weekend until this happened. I have no blame for anyone, and I have no bad feelings towards anyone. It was every one's fault, for our respective mistakes.
On to another note, I feel as though you lied to me. You told me the truth, and I think it hurts worse than a lie would have. It doesn't help that this happens every two months or so. Stop being so cool, cute, and awesome. Honestly, just stop it, because I'm the only one who gets hurt out of this.
I'm tired of being the one that know one wants, I'm tired of being the one who is talked about, I'm tired of being the one that is always there, I'm tired...Simply put I'm tired of being on the back burner of many people lives. I'll never be enough for you, I'm tired of trying, You'll never make a step, You'll never take a chance on me. I set myself up to get hurt by you, it's dumb. This has been drawn out for too long.
While I'm on my oh so sweet rant. I don't understand you small town lifestyle. I don't get you and you're close mindedness. How can you sit there and be content with nothing? You do nothing, you will never do anything. How can you be satisfied? You are going nowhere and you just don't care. You will be stuck in the same town for the rest of your life. You will never know what is out there. How can you not have the drive to escape. There will be generations of you. Your parents, grandparents, so on, on down to your children, close mindedness will reign, and never be overthrown. Even in your close mindedness, you are not consistent. I can understand what it feels like to be trapped. I get it, but to lay there and not know it is appalling. The lack of ambition to better yourself, to even educate yourself. You'll be working a dead end job that barely pays enough to support your unplanned family, and you don't care! I don't get it, please explain your rationale to me!

Sorry for the ranting, but I needed to get this out of me, maybe then I can move on, forget, and resume life where I left off last week.

Karl.

You May Think I'm A Douche

As of late, I've been getting told somewhat often that I think too highly of myself. Is this really a bad thing? I don't think so. I can understand that there comes a point where it becomes too much, but honestly if you were to know me, you would then know that I do not think that highly of myself. To be quite honest with you, I don't think highly of myself at all. I think quite the opposite, I think of myself as a failure most of the time, as a lazy loser, and many other things. However, I also sometimes can't help but think that I am better than some people. You may not agree with this but, I feel that, if we do not think that we are better than anyone else, then we will never be more than what we are now. If we don't have something to push off of, then how can we get started bettering ourselves? My motivation is to look at those who I aspire not to be. It sounds cruel but sorry, it's how I roll.

This is getting brought up because over a year or two ago I spoke one sentence to a person in my family. (For protection I will refrain from using names, in thought that they may read this.) "I feel bad, but I cannot help to feel that I am better than..."

Every time my mother and I fight, this sentence is brought up. It's not about feeling superior to anyone, it's about saying what I feel. Is that so wrong? I don't think so, we are taught to express ourselves at whatever cost aren't we. In order to be honest with ourselves, we need to express our true feelings don't we?

All in all, if I didn't think lowly of people, I wouldn't have the drive to go anywhere. I wouldn't have the ambition I need to shake this small town lifestyle. I wouldn't be able to progress and make something out of myself, or my life.

So, Sorry for being better, if it helps you feel better about yourself, at least you are giving me a push!

Jump In Jump Out, Turn Yourself about, Jump In Jump Out Introduce Yourself.

I feel that you need an introduction to who I am. So…Hello all. I am Karl Brown. I am 19 for now, but will be 20 before too much longer. My birthday is August 21^st. A pretty awesome date. I live in a pretty small town for now. Well…I lied, it’s not even a town, it’s a village. My village is called Ramsey and it has an impressive 1000 people living in it. Whoa! That is a lot I know. I’ve basically lived in this village for my whole life. I went to both Elementary School and High School there. I graduated 4^th in my class of like 23 or so. I currently go to Lakeland Community College in Mattoon, Illinois, and also go to Kaskaskia Community College in Vandalia, Illinois. I live with my parents still. My mom and dad are pretty lame! They have some major issues which will be brought up later. At my parent’s house, they live pretty white-trash. I try to escape the white-trash lifestyle whenever possible. To give you one hint as to the white-trash-ness we have 5 dogs and a 3-legged cat. Among countless other things.

As for my life, it is very boring, and also yet eventful. Since it is currently summer, I’m pretty bored. I have a lot of “friends,” I really use that term loosely. I have maybe 10 “real” friends. My friends constantly change. I drive crappy cars that always break down. I love it! It’s the absolute best! I try to play piano, I’m not very good. I’m actually not very good at a lot of things that I do, but I remain trying. I enjoy singing, and musicals, and good clothing, and facebook, and the internet, and having fun with friends, and inside jokes, and awkward situations, and sign language, and countless other things. Also, run-on sentences J. As for the future of my life…Who knows? I don’t really know what I want to be yet, but should decide somewhat soon, I’m growing up and I’m not a big fan of it. I may become a Sign Language Interpreter. I have been fascinated by signing since I was a wee child.

As for right now, I’m out of things to say, so I shall update later!

Goodbye for now.